Beginning of the End

I sit on my bed crying. The pain rises and I scream. I clench the covers as I fall on to the mattress and bury my head into the duvet. My heart aches, my head whirls and I feel helpless. I get up and pace round the bedroom. I look out the window to see if I can see him. A pang of hurt hits me hard as I realise he’s not coming back. He’s with her and I have to get a grip. I feel like clawing at the walls, smashing my room up, punching myself… anything to release this anger and hurt. I continue to sob as I sit back down on my bed. I wipe my hand under my nose and sniff. My nose is blocked and I can barely breathe. I walk through to the bathroom to get some tissues. I blow my nose and wipe the tears in my eyes. I’ve had enough. I can’t do this any more. I walk through to Jacob’s room and ease the door open gently. I tiptoe towards his bed trying not to sniff. I stare at his little face peeking out the covers. He only takes up a quarter of the bed he’s so tiny. We thought that when we bought the new flat we would move Jacob from his cot to a big boy bed.  He loved it, especially his Scooby Doo bed covers. Things should have got better when we moved away. I wasn’t meant to be standing here sobbing over my son again. I lean down and kiss Jacob on the forehead. A sense of calm comes over me and I realise what I have to do.

   I go into my bedroom and look towards the window. I know he’s not coming and even if he was, I have made up my mind. I choose not to look out. I grab the suitcase from on top of the wardrobe and start pulling things out my drawers. The anger starts to build as I think of him with her. I grab my jumpers from one drawer and my t-shirts from another then I suddenly stop myself. What the hell am I doing? Am I really going to move out, take Jacob round to my mums in the middle of the night? Then what? I sit there thinking, images of Ryan drinking at the pub popping into my head. Thoughts of her flirting over the bar with him make the tears fall again. I start putting my clothes back into the drawers. No, I wasn’t going to leave, it was too difficult. I had Jacob to think of, my university course and my job! I can’t just pack my life up and leave. No, I had to be more sensible. I had to be serious this time. I’m not going to make some warning gesture to him then run back the minute he apologies. This time I mean it. I lift the case on to the bed. I wipe my eyes with a soggy tissue and go through to the kitchen. I put the kettle on and start preparing a cup of tea. I start to plan in my head how I am going to end things with Ryan.

*

I wake up the next morning as I hear Jacob’s feet pattering on the wooden floors. He runs through clinging to his teddy and climbs in beside me. I pull him in close and smile, the best time of the day. I open my eyes and stare at his little face. I stroke his blonde hair and he smiles at me.

   ‘Where’s Daddy?’ he asks pulling his thumb out of his mouth.

   My smile fades quickly. I know he didn’t come home because I had locked the door and left the key in. I know I would’ve heard him shouting and banging to get in like usual.

   ‘He’s at Aunty Jill’s,’ I lie. ‘Don’t worry sweetie, he’ll be home later.’ I kiss him on the nose and he giggles. ‘Let’s put cartoons on!’

   I leave Jacob watching T.V as I go through to the living room. I open the blinds. The sun shines in brightly making my eyes squint. I look out on to the quiet main street. My head aches and I feel like I have a hangover. I probably didn’t fall asleep until after five though. I look at the clock; quarter past eight. I sigh. I know this day isn’t going to be easy but I know what I have to do and I am glad I still feel so strongly about it.

*

I arrange for Jacob to go to my mum’s at eleven. He jumps in the car excitedly as I wave goodbye. My heart physically hurts as I watch his happy little face disappear. Can I really do this to him? Can I really break up our little family? The tears roll down my cheeks as I know the answer is yes. It’s time. I’ve had five years of this hurt and I can’t let it go on. This will benefit Jacob in the long run. It’s better to break up while Jacob’s younger. He won’t understand but it must be easier I tell myself. My mum seemed relieved when I told her my plans. She must’ve heard me say I was leaving Ryan a thousand times but she knew it was different this time. I was calm, I was in control. I wasn’t standing on her door step wailing or on the phone begging her to come round. I was confident and I knew it was the right time. She had hugged me and said she was there for me.

   I walk back in the flat and get the case from the floor. I start packing Ryan’s clothes in it. I well up as I smell his familiar scent from them, but I keep packing. The guilt hits as I put a photo frame on the top. It’s a photo of the three of us on our bikes. Jacob is on the back of Ryan’s and we are all smiling. We look so happy, but I know I wasn’t really. I look at Jacob’s face and the hurt is over whelming. I realise I don’t feel sad about leaving Ryan, I just feel awful that Jacob has to go through the pain of all this. He doesn’t deserve this. He should have his parents together. I zip the case round as I fall on it and sob.

   I look around the flat; it seems so empty with out his stuff. I sit down on the couch with yet another cup of tea. My stomach gurgles as the hot liquid touches it. I haven’t eaten anything in a while, but the thought of it just makes me feel sick. I sip on my tea as I start to send Ryan another text. I then hear the key in lock. My heart stops. I sit listening nervously as he bangs on the door.

   ‘Let me in Jess!’ he shouts.

   I sit there quietly wondering what to do. I’m scared. Ryan has such a temper, especially when he’s in the wrong. I sit my cup on the side board as I creep down the hallway to the front door. He continues to rattle the door handle. I turn the key and move back. He opens it. He walks in and barges past me. I watch as he goes into the bedroom. I don’t know what to do. I stand there a minute waiting for his explosion.

   ‘Where’s my stuff?’ he asks as he walks back into the hall. I look at him blankly.

   ‘Jess, where is all my stuff? Where’s Jacob?’ he asks, his tone becoming louder and angrier.

   ‘We need to talk,’ I say as I walk into the living room and sit down. He follows me.

   ‘Oh, here we go again. I tried to text you, but my battery died on me. I just kipped at Graeme’s,’ he explains.

   ‘I don’t care,’ I say quietly.

   ‘Well, that makes a change then!’ he yells. ‘Where is Jacob?’

   ‘He’s at my Mums.’

    ‘Why? Jess, where is my CD player? You are having a laugh aren’t you? Where’s all my bloody stuff?’ Ryan looks around the room. I can see the anger building. I sit on the edge of the couch playing with a ragged nail.

   I look up at him and finally say it.

   ‘Ryan, I’ve had enough. It’s over. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not fair on me or Jacob. I’ve made up my mind and I’m serious this time.’ I realise he is actually listening to me so I take my chance and continue, ‘I’ve spoken to Jill, she said you can stay there until you find somewhere else.’ My voice starts to crumble and my eyes fill up with tears as I watch him take it in.

   ‘I just kipped at Graeme’s, seriously Jess, ask him! Babe, listen…’ his voice softens as he sits down next to me. He takes my hand and I flinch. I pull it away and keep my head down. The tears drop on to my hands, I can’t look at him.

   ‘Jess, please, don’t do this. You can’t do this to Jacob; you can’t take him away from me, Jess please, you two are all I got.’

   I can hear his voice start to shake and he grabs at my hands. I hold them tightly to me. He gets angry and stands up.

   ‘Well, you can forget it! You think I’m just going to walk out, leave you with my house and my car and MY son? You can do what you want, but I’m staying here. This is my home too!’

   ‘I don’t care Ryan, have it all! You think I care about a stupid car? Have it! Have everything, take it all! You’ve taken everything from me already; I have nothing left to give!’ I stand up and walk to the kitchen. I lean against the counter and breathe. I’m shaking but I’m surprised at how strong I am being. It’s always easier when he is mad. He’s so unreasonable, as if he has a reason to be mad at me. It’s not me that stays out all night drinking and sleeps around. I feel confident with my decision. It hurts but I have to follow this through. I don’t want to keep going over it time and time again, it has to be now. I walk back to the living room. Ryan sits with his head buried in his hands.

   ‘Ryan please, go to Jill’s. Let’s have some space. I’m not taking Jacob from you, I promise. I know how much he loves you and I wouldn’t do that to him, or you.’ I can hear him sniffing. It’s sinking in. ‘I do love you Ryan, I just can’t cope any more. I don’t want this for my life. I don’t want to keep going on like this. We fight all the time. We’re not happy.’

   ‘I am happy,’ he jumps in. His eyes glisten with tears. I can feel the pain at the pit of my stomach.

   ‘But I’m not. This can’t be good for Jacob. He can’t grow up listening to us fighting all the time and wondering where his dad is in the mornings!’

   I slowly move closer to him. I feel sorry for him. I know his life won’t be much without me but I can’t stay here with him out of guilt. I sit down next to him and take his hand. It’s shaking. He looks up at me.

   ‘I love you Jess, please don’t leave me.’

   I break down and start crying too. We grip hold of each other. I hold him tightly and remember how much I love him. It’s agonising. I realise this will be the last time he holds me. I pull him closer as we sit there hugging in silence. I eventually pull away.

   ‘We’ll make this work Ryan, we can be friends and you’ll see Jacob all the time, I promise.’ I look at the anguish on his face; I can see that he accepts it. He stands up and walks out the living room. I hear the front door shut as I sit there in the quietness. It’s over.

*

It’s been a few weeks since Ryan moved out. He is really struggling to accept that things are over so I have agreed to meet him today. He has just moved into a new flat and I have offered to take him shopping for a few things with Jacob. 

   I put Jacob in the trolley seat. Ryan offers to push it as we go into the shopping centre. To anyone else we probably look like a happy family. Jacob is grinning and swinging his legs. Ryan laughs with him. I can’t help feeling that this is the way things should be. We stroll round the aisles as I suggest to Ryan what he might need. He doesn’t look like he cares. He keeps asking me questions about what I have been doing and if I am happy. The guilt swirls in my stomach as I answer him. I have been a lot happier since he left and started to move on already but I’m too sacred to be honest.

   We sit at a table in the canteen. I sit with a coffee as Jacob eats his crisps in the high chair. Ryan sits across from me staring into a can of coke.

   ‘Can we not give things another try Jess? This is killing me,’ he barely looks at me when he speaks and I can see his hands shaking around the can.

   I don’t know what to say. I feel awful. I reach over and put my hand on his. I can see he is crying.

   ‘Ryan, I can’t do it again, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, I really don’t.’

   ‘But I’ll change, I’ll do whatever it takes, please Jess. You and Jacob are my life, I need you.’

   I want to agree but it’s been so hard getting through the last few weeks and I ‘m proud that I’ve managed to. I have to be strong; I know things won’t ever change. I know he’s spent most nights in the pub since we split up and heard the usual rumours of him cheating.

   ‘You still have Jacob! Once you’re settled in your flat we’ll sort out a routine and it’ll get easier. Please don’t do this Ryan, I hate seeing you upset but things were not good between us. We’ve tried before; it’s time to move on.’ I pull my hand away and help Jacob to take a drink of his juice. A tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away.

   ‘Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it’s too soon to try and be friends.’

   ‘Yeah, maybe you’re right.’ Ryan replies as he takes a sip of his tea and finally looks up at me.

   I try and smile at him but I can see the hurt on his face. I look at the man I have loved for the last five years. I see how broken he is. I can see the regret on his face. I hate how much this hurts but I know that this is the end; he’s never going to change. I know this will be the last time we spend any time together as a family. I have to move on now. I have to begin a new life, without Ryan.

Taking Control

I looked at my desk full of papers and sighed. I noted the time on the computer; 15:07. Maisy would be having her nap now. I sat back on my chair and thought of her curled up on the nursery mat, sucking her thumb no doubt. I smiled and then felt a pang of guilt. I downed another mouthful of stale coffee then sorted through my ‘urgent pile’, organising it into what could possibly wait until Monday… if Paul forgot to come and ask anyway.

  ‘Right then Annie, you got that piece finished yet?’

   Crap, why did I think he wouldn’t check up on me? Paul was leaning round the glass door. His collar unbuttoned, tie loosened and his greasy hair precisely gelled in place. His eyebrows were raised awaiting an answer. 

   ‘The charity article…? Yeah, it’s just about done, don’t worry,’ I lied.

   ‘Good stuff, looking forward to Christmas party!’ he chirped as he left.

    Yuck, what a creep! He wasn’t usually satisfied with my ‘it’s nearly done’ answers, but he’d probably already had a brandy in his office, getting geared up for the night ahead. I thought of last year’s party when he was sleazing all over me with his awful breath and his slurred words. I was the single one so no doubt an easy target in his eyes! I just wish I’d never slept with him all those years ago. He seems to think we have a secret thing going on. He wishes! I can’t complain though as he’s the boss and he did give me this job when I really needed it.

   ‘That’s what friends are for!’ he had said with a slimy stroke on the back. I remember wanting the seat to swallow me up but I knew he was my only hope of getting back on my feet after James.

*

   ‘Night night my gorgeous little girl, mummy loves you.’ I leaned over and kissed Maisy’s tiny little nose. It wrinkled as her thumb popped in her mouth.

   ‘Is she asleep?’ Mum asked as I cautiously headed down the stairs in my five inched heels.

  ‘Yeah out like a light. I’ll try not to be long mum.’ I pulled my thick winter coat over my blue sequenced dress and pulled my blonde curls over the collar.

   ‘Oh, don’t you worry about that love, you just enjoy yourself!’

   ‘Thanks mum,’ I said as I kissed her on the cheek and pulled the door behind me.

   Vhari sat in the back of the taxi waiting. I smiled and waved as I trotted down the path towards her.

   ‘Hey, are you ready for this?’ she asked with a smirk on her face.

   ‘I’m dreading it!’ I replied.

   The party was in full swing when we arrived. Mike ran over with a Santa hat on and two glasses of bubbly for us.

   ‘Thanks Mike,’ I said as I nudged Vhari to do the same.

   ‘Yeah thanks,’ she said reluctantly.

   We moved quickly into a quiet corner so we could hear ourselves speak. The lights flashed around the ceiling as the DJ played ‘Last Christmas.’ Work mates swayed together as they sang the words in unison. Vhari and I giggled as we watched.

   ‘So what’s the deal with Mike?’ I asked.

   ‘Oh Annie, I can’t get away from him, he’s driving me nuts! He keeps coming to my desk asking if I want a coffee or a muffin or a stapler!’

   ‘Well you shouldn’t lead the poor guy on,’ I laughed.

   ‘It was one kiss Annie and I don’t even remember it!’ She nudged me with her arm as she began to laugh too.

   ‘Oh sorry,’ I said as I banged into the person behind me.

   ‘Hello Annie,’ the thin woman said soberly.

   ‘Oh hi Marion,’ I mumbled. ‘Sorry about that. Are you enjoying the party?’

   Marion turned her back on me as I giggled again with Vhari. We hurriedly moved closer to the bar to order some drinks.

   ‘Oh Annie, did you see the way she looked at you, she really hates you doesn’t she?

   ‘She hates everyone,’ I replied casually.

   ‘Yeah but not everyone has slept with her husband.’

    ‘About 10 years ago!’ I jumped in.

   ‘Any chance he gets he’s in your office. Do you think he checks up on the rest of us that much?’

   ‘He checks up on me because he thinks I can’t do the job. Two vodkas and coke please,’ I shouted over to the barman as I rummaged in my tiny bag for money, ‘he only gave me the job because he felt sorry for me.’

   The night went on and I realised I hadn’t seen Paul yet. He usually makes at point of finding me and forcing drinks upon me. I told Vhari I was off to the toilet as she began talking with another colleague. I moved through the drunken crowds towards the main door. I asked the door steward where the toilets were and then headed down the flight of stairs towards them. Why do they always make toilets so far away? And what’s with all the bloody stairs?’ I gripped on to the banister as I carefully stepped down one at a time.

  ‘There’s my girl,’ said a familiar voice.

   I looked up to see Paul coming towards me.

   ‘Where have you been hiding all night?’ he joked as he leaned on the wall in front of me.

   ‘I’ve not been hiding at all.’ I winced at the smell of his strong after shave and the hairs sprouting out his shirt. Yuck, he makes my skin crawl.

  ‘Shall we have a dance?’ he asked as he stroked his hand down my arm.

   ‘Here?’ I shivered. I looked around to check no one had seen him touch me.

   ‘No, upstairs I meant. Unless you want some privacy?’ he suggested with a hopeful smirk on his face.

   ‘No, not right now thanks. I’m just heading to the toilet then I’ll see you up there.’ I stepped over to move passed him but he quickly jumped in front of me. He stood another step closer. I could smell the gin on his breath.

    ‘C’mon Annie not like you to refuse my company,’ he said getting closer into my face. I could feel my head starting to spin.

   ‘Look, Paul I just need the toilet then I’ll be up, okay? Let me by,’ I said more firmly.

   ‘Okay okay,’ he said as he raised both hands in the air and moved to one side.

    I started down the stairs again. I could see a door open at the bottom. Good, some fresh air will sort me out. The cool air hit me on the face. I felt better already. I hadn’t realised how warm it was in there. I stood staring at the empty waste ground in front of me looking for somewhere I could sit. I crunched over the grass towards a stony window ledge then heard a door bang. I turned round to see Paul walking towards me.

  ‘Paul, I’ll just be a minute, I just need some fresh air.’ I perched on the side of the ledge and leaned against the iron railings that covered the window.

   ‘Yeah me too,’ he answered as he approached.

    I rested my head back and closed my eyes. I thought of Maisy all snuggled up in her cot and suddenly I just wanted to be home.

   ‘You look really good tonight Annie,’ Paul said. I opened my eyes as I realised he was too close for comfort.

   ‘Thanks Paul, maybe we should head in now. Have that dance?’ I didn’t really mean it but I was starting to feel uneasy. I then felt his body pressing in on me and his face leaning closer into mine.

   ‘C’mon Annie, nobody will see us out here.’ He pushed his lips on to mine and I struggled to breathe. I tried to push him off but his full weight was on me.

   ‘Get off Paul,’ I gasped as I pushed at his chest.

   ‘Don’t start protesting now,’ he warned as he stared me straight in the eye. He gripped my jaw in his hand and started forcing his mouth on mine. 

   ‘Please Paul, no!’ His hand moved down my dress as I fought harder to escape his grip. I managed to let out a yell as the door banged again and I heard Vhari shouting. Relief washed over me as Paul loosened his grip.

  ‘Annie, are you out here?’

   She couldn’t see me in the shadows. Paul jumped off me and wondered off towards her smoothing his hair back from his sweaty face.

   ‘Yeah she’s over there, we were just chatting,’ he said as he walked casually back to the building.

   Vhari came running over as I slumped to the ground in a heap. I started crying out loud, now that I had my breath back.

*

I walked into my office chewing frantically on my lip. I turned to check that he hadn’t seen me come in. I flicked the switch on the kettle and settled down at my desk. My stomach was in knots. I had been upset all weekend; sick at the thought of what Paul might’ve done if Vhari hadn’t came out when she did.  I flicked on the computer and sat staring at the blank screen as I waited for it to come on. The door opened and there he was standing in my office. My stomach turned.

   ‘I want that charity report done for today Annie. If it’s not done then you can find a job elsewhere.’

   I sat staring at him in disbelief. I thought he was coming into apologise and explain that he was really drunk and never meant to upset me the other night! 

   ‘You got that?’ he said staring back at me with his bushy eyebrows raised. Anyone would think he was mad at me. I nodded and looked back to the screen as he let the door swing shut behind him. My heart was pounding.

   I sat there thinking of Maisy. I thought of what I would do if anyone ever did that to her one day. The anger started to build. I thought of James, Maisy’s dad living with his new girlfriend, not even the same one he cheated on me with. I shook my head. No he was not going to do this to me. Paul was not going to get away with this. I don’t need this job that badly. I don’t need another man getting away with treating me like dirt. I stood up and marched towards his office. The door was open as he sat chatting with two colleagues. His face squirmed as he looked up at me.

   ‘Not now Annie,’ he said firmly. I could see the fear in his face. The same fear he had forced upon me at the Christmas Party. I walked slowly to the middle of his office.

   ‘No, I think now is the perfect time,’ I said confidently. ‘Friday night was not a good time for me either but if you think I’m going let this go then you’re a bigger idiot than I thought!’

   Paul stood up and asked the men to leave. I let them walk by, happy I’d let them see enough.

   ‘Annie, listen...’ Paul started.

   ‘No, I’m not finished Paul, so you better listen! I am not going to let you get away with what happened on Friday. You’ve crossed the mark this time and I don’t need your job that much. Consider this my resignation and you better hope people don’t find out why I’ve left!’ I then turned on my heels and walked out. I grabbed my bag from my office and got in the lift. I stood there with a grin on my face as the lift began to descend.  I may not have the best luck with men but I was not going to let other one walk all over me, I’ve learned that much at least! I thought of Maisy. I thought of her playing at nursery and how happy she would be to see me pick her up early. I was doing this for both of us. The lift door opened and I strode out. I didn’t even think of looking back, I was taking control of my life for once.

Breaking Free

I wake up, relieved that I’m alive. I stumble urgently through the clutter on my bedroom floor and run to the bathroom. I vomit profusely into the toilet. My mum stands at the door behind my hunched over body.

   ‘You better not be pregnant!’ She warns as she walks down the stairs to make her tea.

   I crawl back into my bed wiping the wet strands of brown hair from my face. I taste the powdered residue in my mouth. I pull the duvet over my head and scream in to the sinking pillows. Taking over twenty Ibuprofen tablets is stupid, I know and I don’t actually want to die, but last night I just wanted to escape. I can’t trust my own decisions. I’m only sixteen and I’m not strong enough to cope with all this crap! I’m glad I’m alive though, I wasn’t sure if I would just die in my sleep, wouldn’t be the worst way to go I s’pose. I wonder if my mum would still have made her tea.

   My friend Amy told me that if I really want to kill myself I should slit my wrists, but not across the way like you see on T.V, but down the veins so you can bleed quicker. I don’t know who told her this but it made sense. 

   I’m sitting on the chequered seats of the school bus. I chew on a ragged nail while boys from my class shout at me. I ignore the immature idiots. We pass the petrol station where Ryan works and they shout ‘paedophile’ out the gaping window. I look over to see Ryan. He’s wearing his jeans and black polo shirt. I like that t shirt as it makes his green eyes more sparkly. I see that she’s in the shop with him, standing where I should be, laughing and joking with my man. My heart crumbles into more pieces. How can he move on so easy?

    I step off the bus and unfold my rolled up skirt. I walk home past the clones of happy homes. I hear kids playing and trampolines bouncing. My mum won’t be back from work so I have the house to myself.

   I undress and get in the shower, my hideaway. I sit down and let the warm water pour over me. I feel relief as it trickles down my face merging with my tears, but it does not last long. I start crying angrily and thump the side of the shower with a clenched fist. I see my razor and start prying it apart. I twist the plastic bits and pull at the small metal blades. A blade pops out and I cut my finger tip as I lift it. I watch the blood dissolve into the water. I think back to what Amy told me about cutting the veins, but I’m too scared. I start off gently and slide the blade over my wrist; sideways, it makes a pink scratch. I then go over it again, more firmly this time. Blood appears. I stare at it and relax. I’m certainly not thinking of anything else right now. I watch the thin red blood stream down my arm as I breathe in the metallic smell.

  Lana looks at me sadly. We are sitting in our history class and she’s staring at me. I write ‘what?’ on my jotter. She writes back ‘are things that bad?’ I realise she’s seen the cuts so I pull my sleeves down over my hands. It stings as the cotton touches the broken skin. I don’t reply.

*

 It’s Summer. Things seem better although I’ve been on and off with Ryan for a few months. Right now we’re ‘together’ but I’m on holiday with my family. I’ve been sick for a few days; Mum says it’s probably just a holiday bug. We are out at dinner tonight but all I can think about is what Ryan is doing at home. My stomach aches as I imagine him with that girl again. I don’t want food as my stomach is still dodgy. The waitress brings me another glass of coke and places a plate of chicken in front of my brother. The smell wafts in my face and I run for the toilets. I slam open a cubicle and start throwing up. Again, my mother is behind me.

   ‘You’re not pregnant are you?’ She asks.

   ‘I can’t be,’ I lie.

*

   So, the result is positive. I sit on the small, dirty toilet of Ryan’s shop. I stare at the pregnancy test. I feel happy. I go through to the shop floor where Ryan sits behind the till.

   ‘It’s positive,’ I say smugly. ‘I’m pregnant.’

    He looks at me confused and shocked. He doesn’t say anything as I stand in front of the sweetie section smiling.

   ‘Say something then,’ I tell him.

   ‘Is it mine?’ He asks.

   I turn and run out the shop. I keep walking up the steep hill towards home, cars whiz by me and anger boils inside. Tears fill my eyes and I feel sick. I can’t believe he just said that to me. I can’t believe he could ask me that. He doesn’t know me at all. I keep walking with the test clenched in my hand. I head up to Lana’s as it on my way. I need to tell someone.

   I start to think about what she might say. I realise no one is going to say congratulations; no one is going to be happy for me. I’m sixteen and I’m pregnant with some cheating pig’s baby!

    Lana looks shocked. I produce the test from my pocket and show her.

   ‘Have you told your mum?’ She asks as she sits stunned on the edge of the terracotta couch.

   ‘I haven’t told anyone except you and Ryan,’ I answer.

   ‘You have to tell your mum, you have to see the doctor don’t you? Get it all confirmed?’

   ‘Yeah, I s’pose, I haven’t thought that far ahead.’

   ‘What about Ryan? Is he okay about it?’

    ‘No, but he’ll have to be!’

*

    Ryan is out drinking tonight and sending me texts messages about how he’s not ready to be a dad. I’m lying on my bed with my headphones on listening to Stereophonics.  I see my mobile light up on the desk and reach over for it.

‘cant do this babe, u no I luv u  but this is crazy, u have to get rid of it, ur 2 young, u have to think about this, let me no wot u decide but I no I cant handle this!’

  I throw my phone against the radiator, it makes a clanging sound. I lie on my back and move my hand down to rest it over my tummy.  I’m having a baby, a little baby, my baby. The thought sinks in and I smile. This is one thing no one can take from me and it’s going to love me unconditionally. I don’t care what that drunken pig says or anyone else, I’m going do this on my own and I’m going to be the best mum ever.  I sit up and pull the headphones out; the loud rocky music disappears as I put on my bedside lamp. I rummage through my desk for a notepad and pen. I climb back into bed and start writing a list of ‘baby stuff.’ I note down all the things I think I’m going to need, blankets, pram, cot, bottles, high chair, clothes, dummies, nappies… I realise I’m going to need a lot but it doesn’t phase me ‘cause I’m going to get a job too.

*

   Lana holds my hand as I lie on the hard sterile bed. The midwife squirts cold jelly on my tummy and begins pressing down firmly with some device. I look at Lana nervously. What if my baby is dead? What if I’m not even pregnant? I tighten my grip on Lana’s hand. They’d all love that I bet. Sort this problem right out. The midwife turns the screen towards me.

   ‘… and here’s your baby,’ she says and starts pointing out his tiny hands, feet and its huge head. I stare in amazement. I can’t believe how much it looks like a baby.  The corner of my lip curls upwards and a tear rolls down my cheek. I lean up to look closer. This is my baby. How could anyone not want this? How can his be a bad thing? I turn to Lana who is staring at the screen. She looks like she’s in shock. I’ve never felt so happy.

*

      My mum stayed with me throughout the birth but she’s left to get me some clothes and let Ryan know he has a son. I’m sitting in the ward looking down at the most beautiful person I have ever seen. My baby boy Jacob stares up at me. His sky blue eyes are open wide and his mouth is searching for his next feed. I look lovingly into his face and I am so happy he’s finally here. The last nine months have been a struggle but we got here in the end. I can’t believe you’re all mine.

 I sit cuddling into my little bundle and my heart is bursting with love. I know things aren’t going to be plain sailing but I know this feeling of complete love can’t ever leave me. 

Poem TMA 03

Edward

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.”

Teeth pointed, strong as ivory

Face white as moonlight

Red eyes revealing sin

Raging smell, ravenous for blood

The glorious pain

Burning but beautiful

Frosted cold, his heart is frozen

Anguished eyes craving

Secrets hidden within

Dazzling skin glitters like diamonds

Immortality

A life never chosen!

An eternity of preying

Preserving her soul

Safe from this monstrous world

Yearning, resisting, protecting

Conflicting passions

Surrender her for me?

I Come From (poem)

I come from a home
with a spaceship bed,
wires connected to a dying daddy
the smell of medicine and bleach.
A tired mum with red eyes,
my sister brushing hair and pouring cereal.
The nursery bus peeping its horn.
I come from a happy home
with brothers and sisters
tree swings over the river,
tents over the washing line,
sucking blue ice poles,
seateries on the back of bikes
mucky clothes and sticky lips
I come from best friends
and fall outs
skateboard rides and singing The Little Mermaid,
giggling sleepovers
and broken secrets
I come from a crowded red Maestro,
fish fingers and beans,
Sunday clothes and best behaviour.

Short Story Assignment Jan 2012

Fallen

Sophie stood at the edge and peered over. The light from the full moon reflected in the glassy water below. The sight made her feel unsteady so she stepped back and breathed in the cool air. She wondered how she had managed to climb up to the 70ft drop that now faced her. Whether she jumped as planned or tried to climb back down, she knew she was in danger either way. She shivered and tugged her denim jacket round her waist. The evening was crisp and clear. Everything was still and silent as if the whole world was watching and waiting for her decision.

                                                             *

The minute Sophie met Joel she knew her life was going to change. She saw him standing by the entrance to Loudoun Country Park one warm Summer’s morning. His black hair, golden tan and muscular arms were so out of place in Waterside that it was hard not to miss him. His smile stretched the width of his face and his white teeth sparkled as he chatted to Davy at the ticket booths.

   Sophie locked the door to her Corsa manually. How embarrassing! She glanced over and was glad to see he wasn’t looking yet. As she approached him her tummy began to jump. She fidgeted with her car keys to distract her from the athletic god that stood just a few steps in front of her. She curled her long chestnut hair around her ear. She was glad that she had taken the time to wash it this morning.

   ‘Hey!’ Joel said enthusiastically.

   ‘Hi,’ Sophie replied with a grin.

   ‘This is Joel, he’s one of the divers that arrived during the week,’ Davy informed her. ‘He’s from Canada.’

   ‘Oh that’s cool,’ she said.

   Before long Joel and Sophie were chatting about his trip to Scotland and Sophie’s job at the park. Davy retreated into the booth realising he wasn’t going to get a word in. Joel didn’t take his eyes off her for a second and his smile, if possible seemed to widen with every word she spoke.

   ‘I’ll catch you later Davy, and hopefully you too Sophie?’ Joel grinned as he jogged backwards towards the park. ‘I’d better get some training in!’

   ‘Yes definitely!’ Sophie answered as her cheeks turned rosy.

   ‘See ya then Sophie!’ Joel winked and ran down the stony path.

    Sophie watched him in complete awe. ‘Wow!’

    

    Sophie couldn’t wait for her shift to end that day.  She finished wiping the canteen tables, threw the dish towels in a bag, flicked the lights and locked the door to the staff cabin. She looked in the window as she passed it, smoothed over her hair and reapplied her cherry lip balm. She then headed down the gravelled paths towards the diving area. She was hoping to bump into Joel again. She had been thinking about him all day. She had never met anyone who made her act so girly before. Sophie laughed as she remembered how flirtatious she had been that morning.

   As she approached the pool she saw a crowd staring into the sky. She looked up wincing in the sunshine. She lifted her hand over her eyes to shade them and then watched as a streamlined figure swooped down and plunged into the pool beside her. She barely heard a splash. The crowd roared and clapped as he pulled himself out. Joel gave a cheeky grin and a wave as he jumped down from the pool side. Sophie’s eyes scrambled trying to see if he was coming her way.

   As the crowds dispersed Sophie felt someone touch the back of her shoulder.

   ‘Hey there Sophie, did you see my dive?’ Joel stood before her in nothing but a pair of red shorts. Sophie stared. She could barely speak. He ruffled his shiny black hair with a towel and flashed his dazzling smile.

  ‘Yeah, yeah I did…’ she managed to spit out excitedly. ‘It was amazing, I’m very impressed.’

   ‘By me or the dive?’ He joked flicking his wet towel at her.

   ‘Hmm... I’d have to say both,’ Sophie said hitting back playfully.

   She couldn’t believe how brash she was being as they chatted and flirted. It was so unlike her. She chewed the side of lip and widened her blue eyes as she gazed up to him. Joel had to be at least six foot tall and the most gorgeous person Sophie had ever seen. His strong jaw line, dimpled cheeks and dark chocolate eyes completely captivated her. She didn’t usually bother about boys. But Joel was different. He wasn’t a boy. It felt so natural talking to him and she didn’t feel nervous or self conscious like she so often would. It felt like they had known each other forever.

   From that day onwards Sophie and Joel spent every minute together. They were never apart unless he was doing his diving shows and even then Sophie would peer out the window of the cabin to watch him. She couldn’t believe that after only a few weeks of knowing each other they were so in love. They spent most nights walking around the park together chatting about their different lives. Joel had big dreams. His life revolved around diving and he had trained since he was four years old to make the team and travel the world.

   Sophie on the other hand was pretty normal. Her Dad left when she was six years old and her Mum had brought her up in the same town all her life. She didn’t have much drive in life and didn’t expect much from it. She still hadn’t decided what she wanted to do after her exams in the Summer. Working at the park and studying was all her life had involved, until now.

  

   ‘You’re far from normal Soph,’ Joel protested one afternoon as they lay on the grass behind the park fences. ‘You’re mysterious, you’re fascinating and you’re down right adorable.’  He rolled towards her and propped his head up by his fist. Sophie screwed up her face. She could never understand why he said things like that.

   ‘Sophie, you just don’t realise how amazing you are. I’ve completely fallen for you. I can’t go a second without thinking about you. I want to be with you all the time, take care of you, get married, have kids, the whole lot!’ He laughed as he tickled her.

   Sophie lay back in the afternoon heat listening to the distant noise of children playing at the boating bond. She could smell the freshly cut grass and feel Joel stroking her hand as he lay beside her. The sun broke through the clouds as Joel leaned in and kissed her. It didn’t matter how often he kissed her, each time it took her breath away. Sophie kissed him back as she pulled her fingers through his silky hair, still wet from his last dive. She loved him so much. She could never have imagined feeling this way about someone. She wasn’t close to her mum or even to any of her friends. She preferred being on her own and had never felt like people understood her, until Joel. She pulled away and stared at the man she had completely fallen for. A pang of worry then hit her and her eyes immediately glistened with tears.

   ‘What’s up?’ Joel asked anxiously as he pulled back from her. ‘You okay?’

   ‘I was just thinking about you leaving,’

   Joel’s face fell. ‘Aw Soph, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to even think about it. I’ve been trying to avoid talking about it ‘cause I haven’t figured out a way to stay yet.’

   ‘You’ve thought about staying?’ Sophie jumped in.

    ‘Course I have, from the minute I met you! It’s been killing me to think about leaving you.’

   Hearing Joel say the words made Sophie’s heart crumble inside. It was only July but Sophie knew that Joel would be leaving when the park closed in September.

  

   The night of the leaving party came round too quickly for Sophie. It was Joel’s last night in Waterside and he would be leaving in the morning. They had put off making a decision about their future until tonight and Sophie was sick with worry.

   The party was just as Sophie expected. She hated being in crowds, even worse when everyone was drunk. Joel was talking to one of his team mates while she sat stirring a straw in her coke. He kept smiling over to her, eagerly trying to escape the conversation. Sophie mouthed to Joel that she was going outside. The fresh air was cool on her hot skin. She straightened out her white crinkled skirt and then saw Sam, Joel’s coach who was calling over to her. Sophie walked towards him as a few of the other team members passed by. Their faces looked angry as she smiled at them.

   ‘Hey Sam,’ Sophie said. ‘What’s up? What’s wrong with Randy and Paul?’

   ‘Well, that’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you about,’ Sam began. ‘Joel came to speak to me earlier. He said that you two were going to make a decision about your future tonight?  I must admit Sophie; I can’t believe you would do this to him.

   Sophie looked at Sam confused. ‘Do what to him? What are you taking about?’

   ‘Make him choose between you and his career.’  

   Sophie gasped. ‘I’m not making him choose anything, how can you say that? Is that what he told you?’

   ‘Nah, he didn’t have to. You know how much he loves you. The fact that you agree he should stay just shows that you can’t love him that much.’

   Sophie felt anger boiling inside her. How dare he? How could anyone possibly know how much she loved Joel? But as Sam’s words sunk in she realised what he was saying. Diving was all Joel ever wanted to do. He had so many plans that he had told her about when they first met, how could she let him give it all up for her?

   Sam saw his words dawning on Sophie’s face.

   ‘I think you know what you need to do.’ He said and then walked off leaving her standing alone.

 

   Sophie peered over the side and looked at the pool 70ft below her. It looked so small. How did he manage to dive into it so elegantly with barely a splash or hitting the side? It didn’t look very deep either she thought. She tightened her denim jacket around her waist. The tears rolled from her eyes as she thought about how she had parted with Joel; the hurt on his face, the sadness in his beautiful eyes and all the while she had stood there poker faced as if she felt nothing for him.

   The pain rose up in her stomach as she thought about never seeing him again. She swept the tears with her sleeve. There was no reason to live without Joel. What could she possibly expect for her life now? And with that despairing thought she stepped off the edge into the thin air.

   Sophie gasped and spluttered as the water spat out from her mouth. She felt her head sting and saw the watery red blood on her fingers as she touched it.

   ‘You are an idiot, an absolute idiot! How could you do that? How could you be so stupid?’

   Sophie could hear the voice shouting at her as she lay on the stone ground drenched and bleeding. She couldn’t focus on it though. The throbbing in her head and the water in her eyes blurred the image in front of her.

   ‘Sophie, can you hear me? Are you okay? Ring for an ambulance Sam, hurry!’

   Sophie ached all over. She was shaking and disorientated.

   ‘It’s me… Joel? Can you hear me?’

    She tried to focus her eyes. It was Joel. ‘You came back,’ she whispered.

   ‘Of course I did, I’m not leaving without you.’ He leaned down dripping with water and kissed her face frantically between words. ‘You have to come with me, right? We can do this together, okay? You are going to be alright, don’t worry.’

   The tears fell from Joel’s face as he looked at her. ‘I love you so much.’

   Sophie tried to sit up. ‘Do you really mean that? I can come with you, but how?’ Sophie coughed and winced with pain.

   ‘Ssshh… not just now Sophie, don’t get up.’ Joel mopped the blood away from her face. ‘We will figure it out. Trust me, I’m not going anywhere without you. The ambulance is on the way, just rest for now.’

    Sophie laid her head back on Joel’s hand. She looked at him with disbelief and happiness. Could she go with him? Why hadn’t she thought about this before? There was nothing keeping her in Waterside. She could start a new life somewhere else. Sophie suddenly felt like all the pieces of her life were coming together. She could see a future for herself, a happy one with Joel.

   The sirens screamed in the distance. Sophie looked up at the man she had fallen in love with. Joel’s eyes sparkled like they had when she first met him; she closed her eyes and smiled as she thought back to that moment.