Breaking Free

I wake up, relieved that I’m alive. I stumble urgently through the clutter on my bedroom floor and run to the bathroom. I vomit profusely into the toilet. My mum stands at the door behind my hunched over body.

   ‘You better not be pregnant!’ She warns as she walks down the stairs to make her tea.

   I crawl back into my bed wiping the wet strands of brown hair from my face. I taste the powdered residue in my mouth. I pull the duvet over my head and scream in to the sinking pillows. Taking over twenty Ibuprofen tablets is stupid, I know and I don’t actually want to die, but last night I just wanted to escape. I can’t trust my own decisions. I’m only sixteen and I’m not strong enough to cope with all this crap! I’m glad I’m alive though, I wasn’t sure if I would just die in my sleep, wouldn’t be the worst way to go I s’pose. I wonder if my mum would still have made her tea.

   My friend Amy told me that if I really want to kill myself I should slit my wrists, but not across the way like you see on T.V, but down the veins so you can bleed quicker. I don’t know who told her this but it made sense. 

   I’m sitting on the chequered seats of the school bus. I chew on a ragged nail while boys from my class shout at me. I ignore the immature idiots. We pass the petrol station where Ryan works and they shout ‘paedophile’ out the gaping window. I look over to see Ryan. He’s wearing his jeans and black polo shirt. I like that t shirt as it makes his green eyes more sparkly. I see that she’s in the shop with him, standing where I should be, laughing and joking with my man. My heart crumbles into more pieces. How can he move on so easy?

    I step off the bus and unfold my rolled up skirt. I walk home past the clones of happy homes. I hear kids playing and trampolines bouncing. My mum won’t be back from work so I have the house to myself.

   I undress and get in the shower, my hideaway. I sit down and let the warm water pour over me. I feel relief as it trickles down my face merging with my tears, but it does not last long. I start crying angrily and thump the side of the shower with a clenched fist. I see my razor and start prying it apart. I twist the plastic bits and pull at the small metal blades. A blade pops out and I cut my finger tip as I lift it. I watch the blood dissolve into the water. I think back to what Amy told me about cutting the veins, but I’m too scared. I start off gently and slide the blade over my wrist; sideways, it makes a pink scratch. I then go over it again, more firmly this time. Blood appears. I stare at it and relax. I’m certainly not thinking of anything else right now. I watch the thin red blood stream down my arm as I breathe in the metallic smell.

  Lana looks at me sadly. We are sitting in our history class and she’s staring at me. I write ‘what?’ on my jotter. She writes back ‘are things that bad?’ I realise she’s seen the cuts so I pull my sleeves down over my hands. It stings as the cotton touches the broken skin. I don’t reply.

*

 It’s Summer. Things seem better although I’ve been on and off with Ryan for a few months. Right now we’re ‘together’ but I’m on holiday with my family. I’ve been sick for a few days; Mum says it’s probably just a holiday bug. We are out at dinner tonight but all I can think about is what Ryan is doing at home. My stomach aches as I imagine him with that girl again. I don’t want food as my stomach is still dodgy. The waitress brings me another glass of coke and places a plate of chicken in front of my brother. The smell wafts in my face and I run for the toilets. I slam open a cubicle and start throwing up. Again, my mother is behind me.

   ‘You’re not pregnant are you?’ She asks.

   ‘I can’t be,’ I lie.

*

   So, the result is positive. I sit on the small, dirty toilet of Ryan’s shop. I stare at the pregnancy test. I feel happy. I go through to the shop floor where Ryan sits behind the till.

   ‘It’s positive,’ I say smugly. ‘I’m pregnant.’

    He looks at me confused and shocked. He doesn’t say anything as I stand in front of the sweetie section smiling.

   ‘Say something then,’ I tell him.

   ‘Is it mine?’ He asks.

   I turn and run out the shop. I keep walking up the steep hill towards home, cars whiz by me and anger boils inside. Tears fill my eyes and I feel sick. I can’t believe he just said that to me. I can’t believe he could ask me that. He doesn’t know me at all. I keep walking with the test clenched in my hand. I head up to Lana’s as it on my way. I need to tell someone.

   I start to think about what she might say. I realise no one is going to say congratulations; no one is going to be happy for me. I’m sixteen and I’m pregnant with some cheating pig’s baby!

    Lana looks shocked. I produce the test from my pocket and show her.

   ‘Have you told your mum?’ She asks as she sits stunned on the edge of the terracotta couch.

   ‘I haven’t told anyone except you and Ryan,’ I answer.

   ‘You have to tell your mum, you have to see the doctor don’t you? Get it all confirmed?’

   ‘Yeah, I s’pose, I haven’t thought that far ahead.’

   ‘What about Ryan? Is he okay about it?’

    ‘No, but he’ll have to be!’

*

    Ryan is out drinking tonight and sending me texts messages about how he’s not ready to be a dad. I’m lying on my bed with my headphones on listening to Stereophonics.  I see my mobile light up on the desk and reach over for it.

‘cant do this babe, u no I luv u  but this is crazy, u have to get rid of it, ur 2 young, u have to think about this, let me no wot u decide but I no I cant handle this!’

  I throw my phone against the radiator, it makes a clanging sound. I lie on my back and move my hand down to rest it over my tummy.  I’m having a baby, a little baby, my baby. The thought sinks in and I smile. This is one thing no one can take from me and it’s going to love me unconditionally. I don’t care what that drunken pig says or anyone else, I’m going do this on my own and I’m going to be the best mum ever.  I sit up and pull the headphones out; the loud rocky music disappears as I put on my bedside lamp. I rummage through my desk for a notepad and pen. I climb back into bed and start writing a list of ‘baby stuff.’ I note down all the things I think I’m going to need, blankets, pram, cot, bottles, high chair, clothes, dummies, nappies… I realise I’m going to need a lot but it doesn’t phase me ‘cause I’m going to get a job too.

*

   Lana holds my hand as I lie on the hard sterile bed. The midwife squirts cold jelly on my tummy and begins pressing down firmly with some device. I look at Lana nervously. What if my baby is dead? What if I’m not even pregnant? I tighten my grip on Lana’s hand. They’d all love that I bet. Sort this problem right out. The midwife turns the screen towards me.

   ‘… and here’s your baby,’ she says and starts pointing out his tiny hands, feet and its huge head. I stare in amazement. I can’t believe how much it looks like a baby.  The corner of my lip curls upwards and a tear rolls down my cheek. I lean up to look closer. This is my baby. How could anyone not want this? How can his be a bad thing? I turn to Lana who is staring at the screen. She looks like she’s in shock. I’ve never felt so happy.

*

      My mum stayed with me throughout the birth but she’s left to get me some clothes and let Ryan know he has a son. I’m sitting in the ward looking down at the most beautiful person I have ever seen. My baby boy Jacob stares up at me. His sky blue eyes are open wide and his mouth is searching for his next feed. I look lovingly into his face and I am so happy he’s finally here. The last nine months have been a struggle but we got here in the end. I can’t believe you’re all mine.

 I sit cuddling into my little bundle and my heart is bursting with love. I know things aren’t going to be plain sailing but I know this feeling of complete love can’t ever leave me.