Beginning of the End

I sit on my bed crying. The pain rises and I scream. I clench the covers as I fall on to the mattress and bury my head into the duvet. My heart aches, my head whirls and I feel helpless. I get up and pace round the bedroom. I look out the window to see if I can see him. A pang of hurt hits me hard as I realise he’s not coming back. He’s with her and I have to get a grip. I feel like clawing at the walls, smashing my room up, punching myself… anything to release this anger and hurt. I continue to sob as I sit back down on my bed. I wipe my hand under my nose and sniff. My nose is blocked and I can barely breathe. I walk through to the bathroom to get some tissues. I blow my nose and wipe the tears in my eyes. I’ve had enough. I can’t do this any more. I walk through to Jacob’s room and ease the door open gently. I tiptoe towards his bed trying not to sniff. I stare at his little face peeking out the covers. He only takes up a quarter of the bed he’s so tiny. We thought that when we bought the new flat we would move Jacob from his cot to a big boy bed.  He loved it, especially his Scooby Doo bed covers. Things should have got better when we moved away. I wasn’t meant to be standing here sobbing over my son again. I lean down and kiss Jacob on the forehead. A sense of calm comes over me and I realise what I have to do.

   I go into my bedroom and look towards the window. I know he’s not coming and even if he was, I have made up my mind. I choose not to look out. I grab the suitcase from on top of the wardrobe and start pulling things out my drawers. The anger starts to build as I think of him with her. I grab my jumpers from one drawer and my t-shirts from another then I suddenly stop myself. What the hell am I doing? Am I really going to move out, take Jacob round to my mums in the middle of the night? Then what? I sit there thinking, images of Ryan drinking at the pub popping into my head. Thoughts of her flirting over the bar with him make the tears fall again. I start putting my clothes back into the drawers. No, I wasn’t going to leave, it was too difficult. I had Jacob to think of, my university course and my job! I can’t just pack my life up and leave. No, I had to be more sensible. I had to be serious this time. I’m not going to make some warning gesture to him then run back the minute he apologies. This time I mean it. I lift the case on to the bed. I wipe my eyes with a soggy tissue and go through to the kitchen. I put the kettle on and start preparing a cup of tea. I start to plan in my head how I am going to end things with Ryan.

*

I wake up the next morning as I hear Jacob’s feet pattering on the wooden floors. He runs through clinging to his teddy and climbs in beside me. I pull him in close and smile, the best time of the day. I open my eyes and stare at his little face. I stroke his blonde hair and he smiles at me.

   ‘Where’s Daddy?’ he asks pulling his thumb out of his mouth.

   My smile fades quickly. I know he didn’t come home because I had locked the door and left the key in. I know I would’ve heard him shouting and banging to get in like usual.

   ‘He’s at Aunty Jill’s,’ I lie. ‘Don’t worry sweetie, he’ll be home later.’ I kiss him on the nose and he giggles. ‘Let’s put cartoons on!’

   I leave Jacob watching T.V as I go through to the living room. I open the blinds. The sun shines in brightly making my eyes squint. I look out on to the quiet main street. My head aches and I feel like I have a hangover. I probably didn’t fall asleep until after five though. I look at the clock; quarter past eight. I sigh. I know this day isn’t going to be easy but I know what I have to do and I am glad I still feel so strongly about it.

*

I arrange for Jacob to go to my mum’s at eleven. He jumps in the car excitedly as I wave goodbye. My heart physically hurts as I watch his happy little face disappear. Can I really do this to him? Can I really break up our little family? The tears roll down my cheeks as I know the answer is yes. It’s time. I’ve had five years of this hurt and I can’t let it go on. This will benefit Jacob in the long run. It’s better to break up while Jacob’s younger. He won’t understand but it must be easier I tell myself. My mum seemed relieved when I told her my plans. She must’ve heard me say I was leaving Ryan a thousand times but she knew it was different this time. I was calm, I was in control. I wasn’t standing on her door step wailing or on the phone begging her to come round. I was confident and I knew it was the right time. She had hugged me and said she was there for me.

   I walk back in the flat and get the case from the floor. I start packing Ryan’s clothes in it. I well up as I smell his familiar scent from them, but I keep packing. The guilt hits as I put a photo frame on the top. It’s a photo of the three of us on our bikes. Jacob is on the back of Ryan’s and we are all smiling. We look so happy, but I know I wasn’t really. I look at Jacob’s face and the hurt is over whelming. I realise I don’t feel sad about leaving Ryan, I just feel awful that Jacob has to go through the pain of all this. He doesn’t deserve this. He should have his parents together. I zip the case round as I fall on it and sob.

   I look around the flat; it seems so empty with out his stuff. I sit down on the couch with yet another cup of tea. My stomach gurgles as the hot liquid touches it. I haven’t eaten anything in a while, but the thought of it just makes me feel sick. I sip on my tea as I start to send Ryan another text. I then hear the key in lock. My heart stops. I sit listening nervously as he bangs on the door.

   ‘Let me in Jess!’ he shouts.

   I sit there quietly wondering what to do. I’m scared. Ryan has such a temper, especially when he’s in the wrong. I sit my cup on the side board as I creep down the hallway to the front door. He continues to rattle the door handle. I turn the key and move back. He opens it. He walks in and barges past me. I watch as he goes into the bedroom. I don’t know what to do. I stand there a minute waiting for his explosion.

   ‘Where’s my stuff?’ he asks as he walks back into the hall. I look at him blankly.

   ‘Jess, where is all my stuff? Where’s Jacob?’ he asks, his tone becoming louder and angrier.

   ‘We need to talk,’ I say as I walk into the living room and sit down. He follows me.

   ‘Oh, here we go again. I tried to text you, but my battery died on me. I just kipped at Graeme’s,’ he explains.

   ‘I don’t care,’ I say quietly.

   ‘Well, that makes a change then!’ he yells. ‘Where is Jacob?’

   ‘He’s at my Mums.’

    ‘Why? Jess, where is my CD player? You are having a laugh aren’t you? Where’s all my bloody stuff?’ Ryan looks around the room. I can see the anger building. I sit on the edge of the couch playing with a ragged nail.

   I look up at him and finally say it.

   ‘Ryan, I’ve had enough. It’s over. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not fair on me or Jacob. I’ve made up my mind and I’m serious this time.’ I realise he is actually listening to me so I take my chance and continue, ‘I’ve spoken to Jill, she said you can stay there until you find somewhere else.’ My voice starts to crumble and my eyes fill up with tears as I watch him take it in.

   ‘I just kipped at Graeme’s, seriously Jess, ask him! Babe, listen…’ his voice softens as he sits down next to me. He takes my hand and I flinch. I pull it away and keep my head down. The tears drop on to my hands, I can’t look at him.

   ‘Jess, please, don’t do this. You can’t do this to Jacob; you can’t take him away from me, Jess please, you two are all I got.’

   I can hear his voice start to shake and he grabs at my hands. I hold them tightly to me. He gets angry and stands up.

   ‘Well, you can forget it! You think I’m just going to walk out, leave you with my house and my car and MY son? You can do what you want, but I’m staying here. This is my home too!’

   ‘I don’t care Ryan, have it all! You think I care about a stupid car? Have it! Have everything, take it all! You’ve taken everything from me already; I have nothing left to give!’ I stand up and walk to the kitchen. I lean against the counter and breathe. I’m shaking but I’m surprised at how strong I am being. It’s always easier when he is mad. He’s so unreasonable, as if he has a reason to be mad at me. It’s not me that stays out all night drinking and sleeps around. I feel confident with my decision. It hurts but I have to follow this through. I don’t want to keep going over it time and time again, it has to be now. I walk back to the living room. Ryan sits with his head buried in his hands.

   ‘Ryan please, go to Jill’s. Let’s have some space. I’m not taking Jacob from you, I promise. I know how much he loves you and I wouldn’t do that to him, or you.’ I can hear him sniffing. It’s sinking in. ‘I do love you Ryan, I just can’t cope any more. I don’t want this for my life. I don’t want to keep going on like this. We fight all the time. We’re not happy.’

   ‘I am happy,’ he jumps in. His eyes glisten with tears. I can feel the pain at the pit of my stomach.

   ‘But I’m not. This can’t be good for Jacob. He can’t grow up listening to us fighting all the time and wondering where his dad is in the mornings!’

   I slowly move closer to him. I feel sorry for him. I know his life won’t be much without me but I can’t stay here with him out of guilt. I sit down next to him and take his hand. It’s shaking. He looks up at me.

   ‘I love you Jess, please don’t leave me.’

   I break down and start crying too. We grip hold of each other. I hold him tightly and remember how much I love him. It’s agonising. I realise this will be the last time he holds me. I pull him closer as we sit there hugging in silence. I eventually pull away.

   ‘We’ll make this work Ryan, we can be friends and you’ll see Jacob all the time, I promise.’ I look at the anguish on his face; I can see that he accepts it. He stands up and walks out the living room. I hear the front door shut as I sit there in the quietness. It’s over.

*

It’s been a few weeks since Ryan moved out. He is really struggling to accept that things are over so I have agreed to meet him today. He has just moved into a new flat and I have offered to take him shopping for a few things with Jacob. 

   I put Jacob in the trolley seat. Ryan offers to push it as we go into the shopping centre. To anyone else we probably look like a happy family. Jacob is grinning and swinging his legs. Ryan laughs with him. I can’t help feeling that this is the way things should be. We stroll round the aisles as I suggest to Ryan what he might need. He doesn’t look like he cares. He keeps asking me questions about what I have been doing and if I am happy. The guilt swirls in my stomach as I answer him. I have been a lot happier since he left and started to move on already but I’m too sacred to be honest.

   We sit at a table in the canteen. I sit with a coffee as Jacob eats his crisps in the high chair. Ryan sits across from me staring into a can of coke.

   ‘Can we not give things another try Jess? This is killing me,’ he barely looks at me when he speaks and I can see his hands shaking around the can.

   I don’t know what to say. I feel awful. I reach over and put my hand on his. I can see he is crying.

   ‘Ryan, I can’t do it again, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, I really don’t.’

   ‘But I’ll change, I’ll do whatever it takes, please Jess. You and Jacob are my life, I need you.’

   I want to agree but it’s been so hard getting through the last few weeks and I ‘m proud that I’ve managed to. I have to be strong; I know things won’t ever change. I know he’s spent most nights in the pub since we split up and heard the usual rumours of him cheating.

   ‘You still have Jacob! Once you’re settled in your flat we’ll sort out a routine and it’ll get easier. Please don’t do this Ryan, I hate seeing you upset but things were not good between us. We’ve tried before; it’s time to move on.’ I pull my hand away and help Jacob to take a drink of his juice. A tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away.

   ‘Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it’s too soon to try and be friends.’

   ‘Yeah, maybe you’re right.’ Ryan replies as he takes a sip of his tea and finally looks up at me.

   I try and smile at him but I can see the hurt on his face. I look at the man I have loved for the last five years. I see how broken he is. I can see the regret on his face. I hate how much this hurts but I know that this is the end; he’s never going to change. I know this will be the last time we spend any time together as a family. I have to move on now. I have to begin a new life, without Ryan.